Singleness Five--"You Should Be A Writer"

Possible Book Back Jacket Photo

“You Should be A Writer.”

          First of all, thank you to all of the people who have been so kind to take the time to read my posts.  I greatly appreciate it.  And to those who have left comments or sent replies, a second thanks for your time, energy and thoughts.  

          Secondly, it seems that having a theme is a good idea.  I’ve been reviewing the statistics and the most read of my blogs posts are the ones I’ve written about my thoughts and experiences of singleness.  

          This leads me to point number three:  I don’t know how many articles/posts there will be in this series of “Singleness” posts.  I didn’t set out a meet a specific number of posts—so we both will just have to wait and see what unfolds.

          I’m sharing my experiences because maybe it will help others who have never married, or who find themselves single again because of broken relationships, divorce or death.  

          What kept me going mentally and emotionally was the “Pre-marriage Goals List.”  As mentioned before, those were: 1) live on my own; 2) write a book and 3) see England. 

          I’ve touched on learning to live responsibly as a single person.  So, now I’ll move on to the second item on the list; Write a book.  

To be honest, my daydreams as a young teen into my 20’s, was to become a well known writer.  I even pondered what it would be like to write a best-seller.

I daydreamed of sitting on the interviewee’s couch on talk shows, doing book signings and posing for different back cover photos.  

 I’ve never achieved that because I have not developed the personal disciple to achieve this.  I have not conquered my fears or overcome the obstacles.  This objective deserves some more unpacking emotionally—which is too complicated for this blog.  Bottom line, writing and publishing a book was more about creating a name for myself than being independent.  Saying it another way, I wanted to be known for myself, not as some body’s wife.

          I’ve always been a daydreamer.  My imagination helped me cope through my younger years when our family was on the move.  But the idea of being a writer began to formulate in my brain in the months following my 13^th birthday.  I’m not sure why.  

          I speculate that it was because my father had wanted to be a writer.  Another reason was that I was an avid reader—my escape from the everyday life of a small Midwestern community.  I found that people were often listening to me when I shared stories or retold jokes.  I think too, I wanted to find a way to share the message of Jesus and His amazing love. 

          While still a young teen-ager, I remember a moment when a still, small voice spoke in my mind.  “The season you will write, is after you’ve married and have children.”  I still wanted to write a book before I got married; there was nothing to contradict that.  It was the desire to make my mark before I joined forces with someone else.

          I did write a book manuscript before I got married.  Here is the story of how it happened.

          On a November night in 1993, I lie in my queen-sized bed in the dark.  My heart was broken.  My journey into the future did not look like a fork in the road.  Nor did it look like a cross-road.  Rather it had the appearance of a dead end.

          Educationally my academic standing was at 1 ½ years of college credits. At that point in time I refused to take out loans for college.  So, it seemed as though returning to college—even part time—was not feasible.

          Professionally, I was employed as a clerk-typist for the state of Indiana.  Although my job required skills as an administrative assistant, the job was classified as a level four clerk-typist position.  Since it was a government job, the only way to “move up” was to apply for level three positions.  But it was not a job that inspired me, nor allowed me to use my creativity.  Yet, I had learned to be content in it, and do it as though for the Lord.  

          Emotionally I was working through the grief of a broken engagement.   I was 35 and my hope of marriage and family was shattered.  Although my former fiancé and I could communicate well as friends, we disagreed about the important issues.  

          “D. J.” broke our engagement in August.  It was now the middle of November.  In those weeks in between, I’d talked to several people.  They suggested going back into YWAM.  Five years had passed since the door to returning to England had closed.

          I revisited my 1988 plan to return to YWAM Earl’s Court.  Their ministry focused on reaching out to the homosexual community, drug addicts and other people in crisis.  I was not a trained counsellor.  The other staff positions were for administrators and clerical workers.  

            The Holy Spirit said to me:  “If you are unfulfilled as a secretary in paid employment, what makes you think you would be fulfilled doing it as a missionary in England?”   I knew I wouldn’t be satisfied; another dead end.

          At that time in my life, the financial front was limited to my bi-monthly pay from Indiana and the pay from a part-time job.  Because I’d decided to rent by myself instead of finding a roommate, I had to work two jobs just to cover all my expenses.  If I’d gone to YWAM I would have had to raise the support to cover rent living in London.  I had no savings.

          Lying in bed, watching the headlight beams from passing cars dance along the walls and ceilings, I sighed.  It felt like my life’s journey had arrived in a cul-de-sac, going in circles and going nowhere.  

          I prayed the only prayer I knew how to pray:  “Now what, God?  I don’t want to work in an office the rest of my life.  I can’t afford to go back to college.  The wedding is cancelled.  Marriage is not going to happen.  So, now what?”

          “I did not call you to be a missionary.  I called you to be a writer.”  The Heavenly Father’s voice was so kind, so sweet and gentle.  I was comforted.  That desire from childhood now made sense to me.  

          From that day forward, I felt that I was on the verge of change.  I resumed work on a correspondence course through the now defunct Christian Writers’ Guild.  I wrote a series of devotionals to be used at our church’s Ladies Retreat.  

          It was in February that a friend and I were sitting on the end of my bed reading the YWAM Global Opportunities book.  That book listed all the YWAM bases in the world, as well as all the training schools.

          A listing for a base in Texas caught my attention.  I rang (phoned) my mom.

          “Hi Mom!  Guess what I just found?”

          “I’m listening.”  She reassured me.

          “Out of curiosity, I was looking for ministries to Native Americans and Reservations and came across this.  It says, School of Writing, with topics of thematic writing, fiction, magazine article writing, etc.” I enthused.  

          “That’s interesting.” She observed.  “Yes, you should check it out.”

          I thought about writing a letter.  Instead, I made a phone call.  That phone call provided me with the information I needed.  The School was to start in September 1994.  I was the first student to apply and was accepted.

          Following the completion of the school, I applied for a three-month book writing internship.  I wrote the first three chapters of the book during that time.  I applied to join YWAM Woodcrest, to help staff the School of Writing.  I finished my manuscript in 1995.  

          Through a friend, it was given a critique by two professional editors.  But the critiques got lost in the mail.  I’ve made lots of false starts on re-writing it.  As yet, I have not made the commitment needed to stick to it and finish it.  I must say, it haunts me.

           

          What is my point about sharing this, in reference to singleness?  As I was writing this, I realised that each person in the world needs to have the experience of discovering his/her own God-given purpose.  

          For me marriage carried the expectation that I would have to support, encourage and even enable my husband to follow and fulfil God’s call on His life.  There was the potential to establish my identity through wrapping myself up with supporting him (whoever he was).   

          “Write a book” was my young self stating my need to confirm my talent and then “be about My Father’s business.”  To successfully complete a manuscript I would be embracing the talents God had blessed me with, plus give myself a sense of identity apart from another person.  

          So, for the last thirteen years I’ve been in the season of which I was supposed to be writing.  And I have not ignored writing, but neither have I totally invested with my will.  Until now.

          Writing 200 blog posts in 2016 is my way of getting serious about fulfilling my call.  The habit of writing will be established and hopefully I a passion will be created.  

Serving Jesus, Author of our faith,

“Lady Helene”