Singlensss Part Four

The Lesson I Needed To Learn

“And you shall [earnestly]remember all the way which the Lord your God led you these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and to prove you, to know what was in your [mind and] heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not.  And He humbled you and allow you to hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know nor did your fathers know, that He might make you recognize and personally know that man does not live by bread only, but man lives by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of the Lord.” Deuteronomy 8:2-3

        

       When I read that verse this morning, it confirmed that the next thing I needed/wanted to share about was one of the lessons I needed to learn about trust and provision.

      

As I mentioned in an earlier post, one of the things I wanted to do prior to getting married was to have the experience of living on my own for at least six months to a year.

          As an older teen, I remember discussing independence and responsibility with my parents.  These conversations were usually around the dinner table in the evening.  

          The conversations may have sounded something like this:

Dad: “Sis, you should know how to take care of yourself, even if you do get married.  Something could happen to your husband and then you would have to pay the bills, take care of your home and everything else involved with that.”

Me:  “What do you mean about something happening to my husband?”

Dad:  “If your husband is in the military, he might be sent out on TDY (Temporary Duty Assignment) for three to six months.  You’d be left ‘holding the fort’.  Or, you husband might be in an accident where he would be unable to work again, so you’d have to be the one who earned enough to pay the bills.  Or you might find yourself divorced, with a family to support.  Any of those things could happen.”

          I saw the wisdom in this advice.  “The List” was born—‘Things I want to  achieve before I know that I’m ready to get married’ list.  There three primary ones—but they had no specific priority.  

1.        Live on your own.  This means to have the practical experience of:

• How to be financially responsible
• Acquire the confidence to own and maintain a car;
• Dealing with landlords regarding home repairs
• Learning to make due with the resources that I have
• Manage my time

2.     Write a book. 

3.     Visit England

 

In January 1977 I began studying at the School of the Ozarks (now College of the Ozarks) in Branson, Missouri.  By December 1977 I knew that it was pointless to stay in college any longer;  I had no idea as to what area of study in which I wanted a degree.  Over the Thanksgiving break I discussed the issue with Mom and Dad. We all decided that I should join the military.  

The insurance company weight charts (that have ruined many a life by their unscientific conclusions and unrealistic standards) put paid to that.  At five-foot, three-inches tall, the accepted weight chart declared that the perfect weight to be met was 115 pounds/52kgs.  A healthy weight to suit my build and body type would have been about 135 pounds/61 kgs.  But the military are adamant about meeting standards and there was no way I was going to reduce my weight to 115 lbs/52kgs without falling ill.

Through prayer and knocking on doors, I found my way into barber college.  It took me nine months to get my apprentice barber’s license.  A year later I earned my master barber’s license.  This gave me a skill I could use to earn money anywhere I went.  It is a skill that has served me well over the years.

 I had depended on my skills and ability to work to earn a living.  I was thankful for the talents God had blessed me with.  When I went to Youth With A Mission DTS, I had saved up the part of the money to pay for it.  It was supplemented well by my home church.  

Each day we had spare time and I’d brought my haircutting equipment.  It provided a way for me to earn money to pay for the use of the washing machines, buy the occasional chocolate and other personal items I needed. 

In 1995 I was accepted onto Staff with YWAM, University of the Nations/School of Writing (SOW).  The facilities were in Texas, and I could not work as a professional barber unless I passed a Texas state exam.  Being on school staff meant there was not time to work a second job.  

My home church was just beginning to understand and support foreign missions and missionaries.  But the structure of that support was based on cell groups adopting missionaries who had been a part of the group prior to leaving for service.  

I had a few supporters who were not a part of my home church.  But the amount I needed was more than those who had pledged to help me.

In the months leading up to the School of Writing, the other staff and I worked in the office preparing for and recruiting students.  One Monday morning I’d gone into town to collect the post for the SOW office.  My staff fees and rent were coming up and I was hoping to receive a support cheque from my home church.  I didn’t want to become indebted to the base or my landlady.   There were no support cheques in the post—not from church and not from any of my other supporters.  The savings in my bank account had been used up.  I felt I was in dire straits.  

Emotional turmoil pressed me into seeking a hiding place.  Once in the bathroom, I sat with tears rolling down my cheeks.  

“God, I don’t understand.  Why aren’t I getting any financial support from my home church.  I’m trying not to be hurt.”

“Too late for that.”  The Father’s voice whispered.  

To get beyond the pain, I needed to acknowledge it, press into it and then forgive the ones I felt had let me down.  In those moments, I realised that I was looking to the church to meet my needs.  After all, they were my spiritual family.  

Unfortunately, relationships bring with them expectations.  My expectation of receiving financial support was not met.  I needed to forgive them for not meeting my expectations.  More than that, I needed to realise that by putting my expectation on people, I was not putting my expectation in the correct place—which was my trustworthy Heavenly Father.  

The following Sunday, the Holy Spirit awakened to my mind and heart that I had been proud of being able to work to earn money.  Hidden in my heart was the sin of self-sufficiency and pride.

When I had come the Texas, the Lord had made it clear to me that I was not to go looking for employment—even part-time employment to meet my needs.  I had answered the call to work with YWAM.  

The talent and skills that God had given to me were to bless others—not necessarily to meet my financial needs.  I needed to repent of smugness and prideful self-sufficiency in order to obtain grace. 

I had been led into a financial wilderness in order for my heart motivations, wrongful expectations and self-righteousness to be exposed.  And God was proving my faith.

          When a baker allows bread to prove, the yeast causes the bread to increase.  But for the bread to be really good, the bread needs to be “knocked-back” and allowed to rise again. 

          The Lover of my Soul had allowed the ‘first rising’ of my faith to be flattened.  I needed to be free from the misdirected hope in myself and other people.  In the days that followed, I meditated upon the faithfulness of God, the promises of His word and gave thanks for all His provision in the past.  Eventually I was blessed with other partners who were not a part of my church family.  And several misunderstandings were straightened out so that my church family were able to help provide resources.

          It was good for me to experience life on my own and facing the daily practical acts of paying rent, grocery shopping, balancing a cheque book and looking after a car.  But the deeper, more needful lesson I needed to learn was a fuller, deeper trust in God as a Father who lovingly supplies. 

  

Serving Jesus, Author of our faith,

“Lady Helene”

Seasons of Singleness--Part one

          Several years ago I sat near the top of Wembley Auditorium at the Hillsong Colour Conference for women.  A panel of guest speakers sat on the stage discussing singleness.  A question had been posed to the panel, and a couple of the women had given their respective responses.  Then the leader/hostess of the session looked down the row and said, “Does anyone else have something to say about being single?”

 My hand shot up.  Okay, I was near the “nose-bleed” section in the back of the facility, and the question was not directed to me.  But, at that time I’d only been married a couple of years—so I had a lot more to say about singleness than about being married.

          In November 2002 I had my forty-fourth (44) birthday.  I was weeks away from getting married for the first time (18 January 2003).  I had spent twenty-six years of my adulthood single.  At different points in those 26 years I’d had plenty of time to ask myself what it meant to be single. 

In the Cambridge dictionary, it defines single as:

·       (SEPARATE)  considered on its own and ​separate from other things:

·       (NOT MARRIED) or not having a ​romantic ​relationship with someone:

There are many ways of being single (separate):

·       Being the only boy in a family of girls or vice-versa

·       Being the only girl in a group (of girls) who hates pink

·       Being the only person at a party who doesn’t like beer/alcohol

·       Being the only Caucasian person in a group of blacks, Asians or indigenous people.

·       Being the only short person in a group of giants

·       Being the only one who speaks more than one language

·       Being the only hearing person in a group of deaf people using sign language.

The list goes one.  In all of those circumstances, the “single” person always feels the difference, to one degree or another.  Communication can be a problem.  Prejudges can affect the mood of the group.  Or the “Single person” provides the opportunity to laugh at misunderstandings while learning how we are all the same.  For example, all of us need oxygen to breath.  Every person needs water to drink, food to eat and clothing to feel protected from the elements. 

Over the next couple of days I want to share some of my insights about living a single life, things I learned from walking the road myself. 

One point I would like to make is that you can have moments or days of singleness even when you are married.  But I will expound on that in a different post. 

Whether a person is the only “Goth” in a group of “Valley Girls” or a solitary sould standing alone on a beach, the feeling of singleness carries with it the desire to belong, to find like-minded folk.  Unless, of course, one is a hermit!  Even so, we long for connection, connection to each other and even more so, connection to God.  We were created that way. 

Singleness is a fact of life for all of us during different seasons of our lives.  I didn’t have the opportunity to share at the Colour Conference.  However, at the right time and the right place (my own blog) I am finally taking the time to share about my seasons of singleness.

Serving Jesus, Author of our faith

"Lady Helene"

PS.  Happy Pancake Day

Inconvenient, unexpected places

Bloom where I’m planted? 

                Walking is a mandatory activity now that Maisy is in my life.  That’s because our flat (apartment) is on the first floor and requires that I take her down stairs to get outside. 

Just to clarify—in Britain we live on the first floor, because below us is the ground floor.  In America we’d live on the second floor because the ground-level floor is called the first floor.  Therefore when we want to go outside we either access our small balcony or have to leave the flat and take the stairs to use the doors. 

Anyway, “Maverick” and I must take “Little Britches” out every few hours.  I usually take her out the back quad if I’m in a hurry.  However, at least once a day I take her over the street to the park.  She loves a good sniff around, chasing the birds and barking at people and other dogs. 

Some days while I am walking I get lost in thought and even forget to make sure Maisy does her toilet business.  Other days I am totally connected with the environment; observing the leaves changing colours, the latest blooming flowers, the people waiting at the bus station, and the latest billboard ads on the buses. 

The other day I observed something that stopped me in my tracks.  I was glad I’d remembered my phone so I could take a photo.    Laughter and astonishment mixed as I studied a tree growing underneath a park bench. 

By standing there and taking in this peculiar sight, I found it easy to surmise this short, young tree had actually shot up from some seeds that had fallen from nearby trees.  The ground around the concrete base of the bench had accumulated enough dirt to allow the seed to sprout and take root.  Eventually, the drive within the tree to grow made one branch curve around the back of the bench.  I could imagine the branches trying to grow up through the slats of the seat. 

But ultimately I had to ponder on what would become of that tree.  Would the gardeners take the simple, straightforward, expeditious approach and cut it down?  Or would some patient groundman study on the problem, finding a way to excavate the tree with its roots and transplant it?  Over time I will discover the answer. 

Thoughts in my head wondered to possible illustrations in life.  Have I found myself in an inconvenient place, but dared to put down roots and grow—even if it meant that my work would be discarded later by someone who had no idea as to how much effort I’d put into it?  I would say yes.  That is the nature of life.  For me it has been spending two years in Texas, two years in Scotland, two-and-a-half years in Carlinville, Illinois.  I was a missionary in Texas and Scotland.  I was a student in Illinois.  On all those occasions I knew I would grow as a person—emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually.  I also knew it was for a short time—a bit like the tree under the bench. 

In some respects YWAM and college were not inconvenient places, because I chose to follow the direction I believed God was leading me.  It wasn’t inconvenient, because of all the training and experience I would gain. 

 

The inconvenience came in other ways.

• Financially I had to trust the Lord for staff fees, personal expenses and tuition for college.   
• Emotionally, because in missions and college/university there is the constant turn-over of people which means making friends for a short season.  They will move on, as I will. 
• Spiritually challenging because I had to trust God on deeper levels.   
• It meant being away from my family, specifically my mother and sister.  Communication had to be by phone and e-mail.  I couldn’t just jump in the car and get to them in an hour or two. 

Yet, it was worth it for me invest of myself for those short seasons.

Under the bench those seeds were protected from birds who would eat them.  They were protected for the hot sun, which could have dried it out and made it unable to sprout.   They were protected from too much rain, but in a good place to have enough water to absorb moisture to thrive.  Most likely, once discovered by the council’s landscapers, it will be removed without being replanted. 

Under the protection of big organisations I was protected while I took risks.  

• Travelling to places I’d never been before, I didn’t have to worry about being assaulted, kidnapped, robbed or harmed by ill-intentioned people.  I could see and taste new cultures without fear.  
•  Should I fall ill myself, resources were available to me because of my association with the missionary training centres and the college.  
• Pastoral care, spiritual fellowship and supportive friends were at hand, which allowed my creativity to thrive and produce.  However, instead of fearing my life being cut off, I could rest in knowing that God’s gracious hand would lift me up from one field, tend to my roots and place me in another field to grow. 

There have been unexpected results—like being grafted into a large family.  A search on the internet, a connection through a website seemed like an unlikely way to fall in love.  For almost two years friendship and love grew—with “Maverick” planted in England while I was planted in Illinois.  Those roots developed, with me knowing that I was growing under a bench.  Yet I was excited by the idea of being transplanted to a new nation. 

Moments of emotional storm, great fear, were encountered during those days of transition.  Yet, it was tempered by faith, love and support. 

Just like I don’t know the future of that little tree under the park bench, I really don’t know how the coming years will unfold.  But I know that the Loving Hands that planted me, pruned me, provided for me will also be faithful to place me where He knows I can dig my roots deeply, and reach toward heaven and become the most fruitful.

Serving Jesus, Author of our faith. 

"Lady Helene"

Resolution-less

“Is not your reverence your confidence? And the integrity of your ways your hope? “Job 4:6

          I gave up making resolutions many years ago.  All too often resolutions are made out of guilt, shame, those terrible whispers; “I should do…”; “I shouldn’t do…”  “I need to…”  And when the emotional fuel we’ve pumped into our intentions turns into boredom, lethargy, disappointment, frustration and more guilt, we give up on half-made promises. 

          However, many years ago, I began asking  the Lord Jesus what character trait or what changes He wanted to work into  or out of my life.  I was beginning to understand that if it was God breathed, and God-powered, the changes would come—if I remained close to the Father and co-operated with Him.

          When I first read these verses today, my initial response to Eliphaz the Temanite’s question to Job was “Yes, practicing reverence will create confidence and we can have hope if we live a life of integrity.”  The equal thought to that is; “If I keep all the rules, then everything will always be okay.”   Is it possible that is the kind of mind-frame of which making resolutions—at New Year’s or other times—comes?

          Perhaps fear plays a role in making resolutions.  In the first chapters of the book of Job, we see a man who fears God and regularly makes sacrifices to God in the hope that pain and destruction will not touch him.  So we say things to ourselves like:  “I should lose weight and exercise so that I won’t develop diabetes; won’t have a heart attack; will be healthy in my old age.”  Okay—confession—that’s what I say.  I fear the consequences of bad choices.  After all the messengers broke the news that his riches and his family were gone, Job’s reply is “That which I feared has come upon me.” 

          Yet, by the end of the book of Job, he learns that fearing God does not protect us from suffering; neither does living the kind of life of “following the rules.”  This is what Job says to God:

 “I know that You can do all things, and that no thought or purpose of Yours can be restrained or thwarted.  [You said to me] “Who is this that darkens and obscures counsel [by words] without knowledge?  Therefore {I now see} I have [rashly] uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.  [I had virtually said to You what You have said to me;]Hear I beseech You and I will speak; I will demand of You, and You declare to me, I had heard of You [only] by the hearing of the ear, but now my [spiritual] eye sees You.  Therefore I loathe [my words] and abhor myself and repent in dust and ashes.” Job 42:2-6

          As a teenager, and even in my early 20’s I could never make sense of the book of Job.  But by the time I’d hit my 30’s and had my first back surgery, I understood that suffering makes us look beyond our limited abilities to live a valuable and worthwhile life.  Pain will either make us turn away from God = “If God is good and loving, why does he allow suffering?”; or turn us to God “Jesus, You suffered on the cross, You are suffering with me now.  I need You.” 

          Growing up in a Christian home made it possible for me to “hear of God with my ear.”  But suffering brought me to the end of myself, the end of thinking that I could be a “Good Girl” in my own strength. 

          When Job had everything stripped away, and realized that God was all he had, he also understood that God was all he needed.  Job had a revelation of God in His sovereignty.  When I got a small glimpse of the sovereignty of God, it was only the beginning of understanding that being a Christian is not me trying to live a righteous life by doing good things.  Making resolutions and trying to impress God by changing myself just doesn’t work.  Rather, my confidence and trust has to rest in God’s imparting His righteousness to me because of Jesus Christ’s finished work of the cross.  Like Job, I could say “Now my spiritual eyes are opened—and seeing Your sovereignty lets me see how trust worthy You are.” 

By placing my confidence in God’s love and sovereignty, I am led into a life of reverence.  Resting in God’s salvation, in and through Jesus Christ creates hope, and brings about integrity in my walk with God, the Church, and the world. 

Here’s to a New Year with no resolutions!

Serving Jesus, Author of our faith,

Lady Helene